Discovering Me/Life/Success/Family ... Whats important ? ? ?

It was Friday night, technically Saturday morning. I was sitting in my office bay, my workstation working as I directed it to. My couple of friends were struggling with the software application we develop. Time was passing by with tensed faces, some gaalis in between over why the logic isn't working the way we need it to. I was mashed down between some phone calls out of my home, my acquaintances and my, PERHAPS, would be's and my work in office. Calls were related to starting my family and getting married, finding everyone satisfied with what I am thinking of and indeed it seemed impossible. I felt when people around me, who know me and who do not know me very well, either of them are not ready to care for what I think, feel and want to do. Then why shall I be so compromising ? Why shall I put on stake what all I want to do and how I want to do for them ?

Then came a decision of not to communicate with, PERHAPS, would be and we were not going to talk to each other in any way possible for the coming 3-4 days. If our parents will agree upon the alliance then only we will go ahead. Fine with me, I will never force anyone. I have been living my alone since childhood, no siblings, not large number of friends and just one ex-girl friend with whom it was better to end up the relation. I can live my life alone very well even if no one turns to me. I am vulnerable but NOT HELPLESS. No way. And if I can make  my way to the top I am not at all in need for family, dying alone won't be a big deal as well, it will be just an end to another episode amidst billions of life bubbling on this planet.

It is an arranged married then I can understand, otherwise I am a rebel at heart. It has been now one year since the talks for my marriage began. By the way, I am a software engineer working out of India for Accenture as of now. So, for so long time I had been seeing the photographs and met a few girls for my nuptial alliance. Now, I am fed up of all this. I think my career and my PC are better than anything else in this big world. At they both listen and to me and give me what I need, when I need and how I need.

After having all the talks on phone I took a short break and went to the open area of the IT park, had a couple of smokes alone. Then it dawned on me. Why am I not pursuing my dreams ? Why am I getting tied down ? Why am I pulling the chains tight across my legs ? I want to break free. I want to be successful, I want to make my identity as everyone around me wants to. I have to make a position and once that is done, no one can deny me, no one can question me. I want to experience that feel of achievement and self made attitude.

In Private Sanctuary of one's own conscience lies that SPIRIT and DETERMINATION to cast off the old person and to measure up to the stature of TRUE POTENTIAL.

Till this moment I wasn't smiling, I was thinking hard under pressure. It occurred to me people take their decisions so easily and I think so much just because I do not want to prove myself wrong, not even once. I simply hate failure. I decided I will go ahead with my career first because it makes me what I am. I felt family is good for togetherness but creates more complexities rather than easy in life. Suddenly I loved my bachelor life. I felt friends are the best companions, they never demand and always help, they listen to me and say to me, advice me and gaaliofy me and spend fun filled time with me.

I went back to the bay, cracked a couple of jokes with my friends who value me. They immediately ask WHAT HAPPENED when trouble even reflects off my face without saying a word. They understand me and do not interfere with my life. I started working, unfortunately couldn't solve the problem and surrendered. I wished to go home, it was 1 a.m. at night. But, I waited for my friend Nishant, whom I have nicknamed monkey for some his primordial habits in particular. He had to finish up some urgent work and then we can leave together. He finished at 3:30 and then we left for home, together, laughing and enjoying and sharing the troubles we were going through in such a demanding project.

I came home, started my laptop and thought to write all this straight away and after that I will start with some things to learn in my field of work along with some chips, biscuits, music and internet. I felt like I will not sleep, will not rest till the time I will get what I want in my life. I was sitting alone but I was not alone, my companion, my all time friend my computer was responding to my commands at its best.