Discovering Me/Life/Success/Family ... Whats important ? ? ?

It was Friday night, technically Saturday morning. I was sitting in my office bay, my workstation working as I directed it to. My couple of friends were struggling with the software application we develop. Time was passing by with tensed faces, some gaalis in between over why the logic isn't working the way we need it to. I was mashed down between some phone calls out of my home, my acquaintances and my, PERHAPS, would be's and my work in office. Calls were related to starting my family and getting married, finding everyone satisfied with what I am thinking of and indeed it seemed impossible. I felt when people around me, who know me and who do not know me very well, either of them are not ready to care for what I think, feel and want to do. Then why shall I be so compromising ? Why shall I put on stake what all I want to do and how I want to do for them ?

Then came a decision of not to communicate with, PERHAPS, would be and we were not going to talk to each other in any way possible for the coming 3-4 days. If our parents will agree upon the alliance then only we will go ahead. Fine with me, I will never force anyone. I have been living my alone since childhood, no siblings, not large number of friends and just one ex-girl friend with whom it was better to end up the relation. I can live my life alone very well even if no one turns to me. I am vulnerable but NOT HELPLESS. No way. And if I can make  my way to the top I am not at all in need for family, dying alone won't be a big deal as well, it will be just an end to another episode amidst billions of life bubbling on this planet.

It is an arranged married then I can understand, otherwise I am a rebel at heart. It has been now one year since the talks for my marriage began. By the way, I am a software engineer working out of India for Accenture as of now. So, for so long time I had been seeing the photographs and met a few girls for my nuptial alliance. Now, I am fed up of all this. I think my career and my PC are better than anything else in this big world. At they both listen and to me and give me what I need, when I need and how I need.

After having all the talks on phone I took a short break and went to the open area of the IT park, had a couple of smokes alone. Then it dawned on me. Why am I not pursuing my dreams ? Why am I getting tied down ? Why am I pulling the chains tight across my legs ? I want to break free. I want to be successful, I want to make my identity as everyone around me wants to. I have to make a position and once that is done, no one can deny me, no one can question me. I want to experience that feel of achievement and self made attitude.

In Private Sanctuary of one's own conscience lies that SPIRIT and DETERMINATION to cast off the old person and to measure up to the stature of TRUE POTENTIAL.

Till this moment I wasn't smiling, I was thinking hard under pressure. It occurred to me people take their decisions so easily and I think so much just because I do not want to prove myself wrong, not even once. I simply hate failure. I decided I will go ahead with my career first because it makes me what I am. I felt family is good for togetherness but creates more complexities rather than easy in life. Suddenly I loved my bachelor life. I felt friends are the best companions, they never demand and always help, they listen to me and say to me, advice me and gaaliofy me and spend fun filled time with me.

I went back to the bay, cracked a couple of jokes with my friends who value me. They immediately ask WHAT HAPPENED when trouble even reflects off my face without saying a word. They understand me and do not interfere with my life. I started working, unfortunately couldn't solve the problem and surrendered. I wished to go home, it was 1 a.m. at night. But, I waited for my friend Nishant, whom I have nicknamed monkey for some his primordial habits in particular. He had to finish up some urgent work and then we can leave together. He finished at 3:30 and then we left for home, together, laughing and enjoying and sharing the troubles we were going through in such a demanding project.

I came home, started my laptop and thought to write all this straight away and after that I will start with some things to learn in my field of work along with some chips, biscuits, music and internet. I felt like I will not sleep, will not rest till the time I will get what I want in my life. I was sitting alone but I was not alone, my companion, my all time friend my computer was responding to my commands at its best.

Decision: Mind's Eye

Hey, A little excerpt about what I went through before making a big decision, i.e., to go for a change.

We value what we have to give up more than what we might gain.

We hate to loose things. That’s our nature. We hate to loose, be it something monetary  or emotional. 

I was at Odyssey book store, in R-City mall over the weekend whence  I was mulling over whether to go for the opportunity I was being presented.

I was thinking harder and harder, taking into account every possible angle which was occurring to my worried mind.

I was calculating plus and minus in every possible straight and shrewd way. I was running around in circles to convince myself by myself.

Possibilities, negatives more than the positives, were churning a cyclonic thought process which was leading me nowhere.

I was fearing more of loosing what I have in my hand. I was not ready to take risks.

I was browsing through books and I was least interested to buy any of them because I just wanted to be at my favorite place at that moment just to feel little better, i.e., a big book store.

It was 30^th.April.2011. I was into a whirlwind for deciding upon my coarse of future career.

Just at the same time I came across a book. “The Truth About Making Smart Decisions”. I was starving for something to read and bring my mind to peace.

I picked it up and turned over to the contents page. One chapter caught my eye, “Giving Up Something ? Get over it !”. I didn’t care to turn to the chapter and placed the book back onto the shelf and again started moving around other shelves. Then somehow an intuition occurred, and I felt that book might help me. And I returned back and picked it up. Didn’t even cared to read, went to payments counter, made the payment and came back home.

After some of my regular internet wriggling, I picked that book and read a few pages. Then turned straight to the chapter I was interested at the first glance, i.e., the one mentioned above.

Then I came across another one titled, “You are not clever as you think you are”. Always surround yourself with the people who can challenge you. Approach new challenges as student and learner rather than as an expert. I turned a few more pages and got a different angle to think upon my decision. I was feeling little better and was ready to weigh my chances once again. At least the feeling of confusion was fading away.

I am sharing this with you because what I realized is, it is really hard to identify the right opportunity by just pondering over facts and statistics. Most of the times the fear of loosing the bird in hand is bigger than if we are presented with two to catch in both hands. We become suspicious over the auspicious offers. Fear of loosing is the thing we need to overcome. Our every decision is a half chance and so is everybody else’s. Once we make a decision we are just 50% done with it. The rest 50% is the part where we need to work and put in efforts to make the decision right one and working for us. It is always in our hands to make things work for us, sometimes the path is difficult and sometimes it is easier.

Wherever we go we will have to work hard. Whether you are a farmer, a businessman, an employee, a shopkeeper or anything else, you’ll have to put in hard work to make things work in your way.

Do not get dragged by the life wherever it drives you, drag your life towards the way you want to see yourself walking.

P.S. All of the above matter is a spill of my mind’s eye which is like an ever blinking shutter. Do not think hard on any part if you feel in contrast with me. 

I remember ... I cherished ... I missed ... I am trying ..

"I remember" ... very dearly",  it was a few years back, a little school going boy heard about distant lands, better places to live than he was in right now. He was fascinated with the facts people poured over him, a dream popped out, he wanted to be in those places.

"I cherished" ... for the boy that he gets to his target" because as his inner self will not be satisfied until he does it ... The boy was unguided on his tour of this big vast world. He had friends, but were they really what they were to him ? He never cared ... they were on the same quest as his own. but, unlike the boy they were guided for their tough and competitive ascent of life.

The boy only had a perception of getting good grades in school and score in few more exams and he will be through to the next level ... he was utterly wrong. A big part of his ignorance came out of his own careless attitude ... and why not, he was the only child of his parents ... not a very wealthy family but, a well putting family as far their needs demanded. This little boy wasn't a spoiled one ... he knew his parents, specially the mother is working hard for him ... he just lacked the motivation to make his dream come true.

"I missed" ... couldn't help him getting past the early obstacles". Very soon the boy faced his last of the schooling examinations .. he passed the tests but not with very flying colours as he used to ... again his lack of motivation to pursue the right trail leading towards his dream of life failed him one chance to get to where he needed to be. A little confidence went down, a feeling of guilt creeped in ... but the chance was gone. The next big thing was to graduate ... this little boy had a very peculiar habit, he never aimed for the 2-tier targets, his choice was always the elite things in his arsenal.

The boy tried his best to get into the best graduating institutes in his land ... it required a two step exam clearance ... he always made through the first stage but couldn't get past the second hurdle. Two times he tried, two years he lost ... he was fully backed by his mother against people who said he was wasting time. money and his career. His mother trusted in him ... the boy was doing his part but still lacked that fire instinct to pursue the target ... In the meanwhile his parents got separated legally and started living apart ... the boy stayed with his mother. She was the only one who cared for his decisions, his likes/dislikes, dreams and who he was and how he was.

He got admission ... went away to study ... his mother was left behind alone ... A time came something very visceral happened(very personal in boys memory) ... that moment changed him, he was shocked to his inner cores of the conscience. The boy decided to change, to get over his weaknesses, to pursue his dream actively, to prioritize his steps to get to his dream and nothing else mattered. Still he was unguided ... but this time he believed in helping himself rather than seeking help from someone.

Finally, the boy graduated. He wasn't congratulating himself very much because he knew the time he had lost in past he has to make up for that time and also he has to fulfill the duties his position now demanded. it was a double trouble for him but he had grown optimistic over the period of time and believed he will do it one day, though he always knew in his brain that every big effort needs its part of sacrifice and he will have to make those sacrifices in order to be what he always wanted from himself.

"I am trying" ... to help the little boy standing up to his ambition". The boy graduated. had to wait for few months ... got employment ... a respectable one in his stratum of  studies ... All people who criticized his mother for backing him always for all his decisions had no options but to be silent ... The boy is now again planning and executing steps to get to the next level and he will do it no matter what it takes ... that dream is still very much alive in him. He now keeps a low profile, doesn't do the time wasting things he once used to do, no partying, no meaningless celebrations becuase a time will come when he will celebrate and will do to the fullest.

I am certain he will make it one day ... in essence ... he has boarded a better, faster and equipped boat to "explore the nautical miles" left to be covered. And all of this achievements he has grabbed on his own ... no body guided him ... circumstances made him self guided.
Lets hope for the best in the end.