A Link Broken ... A Point Of No Retrun.

Today night, 27th.Jan.'2010, technically yesterday evening as it is past midnight now, in the evening, around 8:00 p.m. my maternal Grandmother, passed away. A link to my past gnawed away by time today evening. 

It was regular routine. I came from office, washed my face, called my mother as I do everyday, she was not at home. She was travelling in the chilled peaking winter of North India at this time of the year. I asked her "why she was out ?" in that chilling windy evening and she said she will talk to me when she will get back home. I have a strong intuition and I sensed some worry out of her voice. I called again just after one minute and asked her, "Is there any trouble ?" She again said she will talk to me when she will get back home. After that I resumed with the daily routine, checking my personal e-mail accounts and telling the maid what to cook for the dinner. Approximately one and a hour half later my mother called me again and she was crying, and said to me, "Maiyaan passed away". I was shocked and didn't had any words to say at that very moment. I couldn't make out whether my shock was greater or her need for some consoling words was greater. I am in Mumbai and cannot leave for Varanasi as most of the North India bound flights are getting delayed or cancelled owing to the heavy fog conditions there. The trains are running around 10 hrs late of scheduled time and in normal course it takes more than 24 hrs to get to my hometown from Mumbai by train, in such winter conditions it might take more. More over my mother and few elderly family persons whom I listen to, have told me not to come as there is little for me to do being the maternal grandson. So, I am writing down few recursive thoughts that have crossed my mind since I got the news.

 I remember, my mother told me that when was an infant and had just learned to speak few words, I somehow started calling my Nani(Grandmother) "Maiyaan" and I used to call my mother "Tkkaa". Maiyaan, in Hindi language is a synonym for mother. What Tkkaa means or signifies, nobody yet knows including myself. Anybody hardly figured out how and why I started with these words but then soon after Tkkaa changed to mommy as I grew up but "Maiyaan" never changed to Nani. May be it wasn't just a word, it was a connection. And today that connection broke up, gave away. Now, this connection only lives in my memories and not in this physical world. It might have took just one moment and a tangible link became so irreversibly abstract.

On, 14th Jan, Makarsankranti festival, whole of the Varanasi city enjoys fying kites and I was just mad at flying kites in those days, my childhood days. That day, I used to be on the roof of my house the whole day and I used to depute others in various kite flying activities. The role for Maiyaan was to catch the kites which came floating down. It was a pretty big roof, roughly 50 x 50 feet, for running instantly from one end to another and if she missed one I used to be so angry for why didn't she got that one for me ! It was such a big beautiful kite she had to catch it for me doesn't matter how she managed. That was I with my grandmother at the age of 10 or may be somewhere between the age of 10 or 15 years. Now, I felt the jolt, the growing emotional surge. Until now I was thinking about how to console and strengthen my mother for her loss, but these memories started flashing unchecked and my male psychological strength surrendered and a couple of tears rolled down. It were the memories, flashing one by one, till the most recent one flashed when I was last with Maiyaan in my hometown, Benaras. I was home on a vacation off the office life and Maiyaan, still recollected that I am studying in college and have come on college vacations, although two years had passed since I graduated out of the college. The older memories were intact, she missed on the recent ones.

There are so many memories, all of them cannot be jotted down here. In her old age, I was mostly away from home, first graduating from an engineering college in Ghaziabad and then working at a company in Mumbai. Maiyaan, few years back suffered with internal hemorrhage, a blood vessel in the head was damaged as I remember. Because of this she developed a problem of memory loss. Her old memories were strongly intact but her conscious brain's memories didn't lasted more than couple of minutes. She kept forgeting names, if someone came to see her or not the last day or today or came at all and things like that. A little later Maiyaan broke her bone around the pelvic girdle and doctor suggested an operation to fit in a rod to support the spine. It required a long recovery but because she kept on forget things, Maiyaan often tended to try and walk around a bit and that caused the recovery tentative and particularly long.
Now, she rests in peace, I know it is a big loss for my mother because she was my mother's mother. I lost my Maiyaan. Nobody will ever understand or even remotely be able to feel the connection, the bond, the sweet and sour memories we all shared with her. Life will move on. The present moment is very difficult, particularly for my mother. At this moment I remember a line from a sonnet composed by my Great Grand Father(My Grand mother's(Maiyaan) father), the line says, "Even this will pass away". Yes, even this will pass away. He worked as a British government employee in India, as a Collector, a big shot in those days and continued well after India achieved independence. A very calm and composed person as I remember him very dearly in my me memories.

My Great grand father, whom I called Papa sahab as he used to call me Appu sahab. Everyone in the family called him Papa irrespective of the nature of relation with him actually. Papa sahab was very fond of english literature and I hardly remember a time when I asked him anything related to English literature and he wasn't able to answer. I guess, it is that company of a learned man that today I too find interest in Literature. I am able to write a few sensible and meaningful extracts in my blog, read good chosen books and trying to learn more and more with different sorts of things that are out there to be learned and known. And my Great grand mother, whom the whole family used to call "Amma" and no body dared to disobey her in the family. Amma was very sweet and yet very disciplined and strict. They were the pillars of all the strength I have inside me. I had the honor of being with them for almost throughout my teenage.

I have seen their deaths, they were really very very ... dear to me, just next to my mother in all respects. I had to experience that acute pain of loosing an integral part of my life earlier when I lost Amma and Papa sahab. That is why this time I am stronger, I am writing this extract out of my memories and may be this time I will support my mother out of this difficult time rather being dragged into it myself. In the end very true, "Even this will pass away". 


But, one thing is for sure, even if I couldn't accompany my Grand Mother in her last moments, I know she will be proud of me being able to compete and find my place with respect in this barbaric world. She will definitely be satisfied because being a dear child in the family I have done what was expected of me. Further, to honor the efforts of all my elders that they have out in with me and for me, I will keep on doing things on a better note from here on. I will try my level best never let my dear ones to see down because of me failing to do anything that is expected out of me. No matter how much far away I be from them I will definitely make them proud.

I have always felt very strongly, our elders are always out there, suggesting us the right way with their life long experiences and we just don't listen and attribute our arguments to a fancy term called "Generation Gap". I believe simply and blindly walk the way shown by elders when things really get out of our controls. We loose our elders to death and with them we loose enormous amounts of practical knowledge which we call experience and which our elders are always ready to impart to us, but we are the new generation with the generation gap ... HUH ... and part of our generation gap theory teaches us not at all to listen to what the old fellows in our families have to tell us from their life long gleaned moments dealing with how to make right or wrong choices or decisions. A very important thing for each of us. 

Chill out Friday

A Friday, a usual day, work in office, smiling with colleagues, pulling legs getting it all on self too, good mood bad mood, fighting laziness and desire for a siesta after lunch, hanging sideways in the chair, waiting impatiently for the day to get over and sweet weekend to start, all in all a usual Friday. But, it ended on a greater note, went for bowling with friends, for the first time I played this sport. It was cool I liked it and it is nice sport to pass time.

I did kind of okay for a first timer, rolling the big heavy balls sometimes in right areas and sometimes in wrong areas .. he he .. a first timer is allowed all this. Then Mr. Sandeep aka Sandy bhai, dropped us to our homes in his new car, he is learning to drive and he was driving pretty well just in a short period of one week.

As I decided, stepping into 2010, I will change back to how I used to be in college days. I will enjoy life as I did, ambition and desire for fast progress was taking its toll on me and I too bowed down to all these mounting pressures of life. But, now I am again feeling free as I decided to break free, the wreckage will take a little time to get into old shape again, I will not retrograde ever from here to say it precisely and the feeling is already great.

 Some day in February we are deciding on a project outing, I am in already and will make it count. Fortunately I am having good friends who do care for me and I know I must value them also. One positive decision and life is already like a cool breeze and I want to fly even higher into it, want to experience the jet stream higher above.. he he .. Well, stepping into 2010 has made me stronger and one more thing which I used to think but now I am doing it, I am breaking free off the chains that bound me. Or I can say I am surfing the soft welcoming icy, unexplored slopes of life and want to experience the shear thrill of going fast and uncontrolled. Control and slowness are predecessors of brooding dullness in life.

I know me pretty well and the thing with me that I can't be tied down to one place with something, I love new challenges and moving on in life. It is useless to stop the life train at any one station and let other trains pass by ... We must keep on moving all the time. Drag the life a little bit your way and get dragged by it a little bit in its own way and eventually all the pieces start falling in place for sure.

I, Life, Old Friends .. In Sync Again

13th Jan 2010, A reminder popped up on my mobile screen I set a few months ago in 2009. The reminder read, “Goldie’s B’day in few hours!”. A nostalgic smile crossed my face, a picture came up in my mind, the face of school days’ old bugger. I called him up, I was thrilled when I heard the ring tone at the other end of the call, a voice very familiar was due to say hello in just a few seconds. We both were out of contact for straight 10 years, a decade, very long time. Goldie(Avneesh) received the call and we had a brief but great chit-chat and he invited me over to his place in Pune, where he lives happily married now with another of my school mate Malvika. I instantly agreed on the idea of visiting him and it was a real great feeling after I disconnected the call and thought about how I must plan and make the visit memorable. The next day I purchased some gifts for both my friends because of a number of occasions called for that, they were married, it was his b’day and I was going to see them after a decade.

I planned and left for Pune on Friday evening and reached there by 9p.m. Goldie and Malvika came to receive me where the bus dropped me and what a surge of excitement I felt when I saw two faces connected with my past coming towards me. We went home, a sweet home both of them have set in, a real little home sweet home, beautiful indeed. Noticing tranquillity of the home I was dead sure it is all because of the sweet girl in the house, Mrs. Malvika Singh because out of old days’ memoir I was certain that maintaining that kind of atmosphere was not Goldie’s cup of tea … he he he he … A couple of Goldie’s college time friends visited, Krishan and Avik, and both were really cool and chill out kind of people, I liked both of these guys by talking to them and observing. I can say, over last few years I have developed a sense to judge and predict about people as a person by observing them and by talking to them for sometime. So, both these guys were good fellas to keep touch with. 

Then, characteristic Goldie maharaj ji’s dynamic brain lit up a bulb and he decided we are not having already prepared and ready dinner and rather going out for it at some place to have litti chokha, a traditional preparation in our part of India. We, all 5 people got into his Car and went to the place at around 11 in the night and had the dinner. It was great and made me remember my college days when I used to walk out with friends to eat something coupled with tea at a near by highway dhabba, at wee hours. So, after that we returned back and the two new friends left and we three sat down with our own versions of story starting from 2000 till date. We continued with chatting, cracking jokes, leg pulling till 4:30 in the morning and owing to the fact that tomorrow was also going to be a busy day we trudged towards the beds and call it a night before the night gets over … he he he …

The next day, I was asleep and Goldie maharaj ji woke me up at 10, the idea was, “hum jag gaye hain to tu kaise so sakta hai(When we are awake how you can sleep)”. It was again great feeling after so long a friend making me get out of the bed, and what more to ask for when the guy being my school days’ best friend. We got up, had wonderful tea Malvika prepared. And Krsihan and Avik came over with somethings Avneesh asked them to bring along. Then again we decided to go out and spend the day in the city and around 12 p.m. we went out. First we went to crossword where we brought some books, Avneesh and Malvika are avid readers themselves since school days and I developed the good habbit when I joined college so we passed good time discussing books and buying some of them. The we went to Pizza hut, had lunch. Goldie parked the car at a nearby parking and we strolled the roads talking and waiting for some people Avneesh had to meet.

Avneesh had some official work with these people and he wrapped it up by 6:30 and we three retuned to home and then was the bad moment. I had to leave by evening the same day as I had some business to take care of in Mumbai on the Sunday morning and it couldn’t be delayed anyhow because of a prior commitment made by me to some other people in Mumbai. There was a little party at their place, Avneesh b’day(14th Jan) was the party’s call, both Avneesh and Malvika insisted me to stay and leave the next day’s morning but, sadly I had to leave. We three agreed to stay in touch from now on and then Avneesh dropped me to the place where I can catch a bus for Mumbai and it was end of a great rendezvous. Old friends re-entered each other’s lives once again.

A quiet day ... Mixed feelings

A quite day, I relaxed and had my private time at home, trying to be at easy with acute pain right below my left shoulder at the back. A bright, shiny and windy day. I love it when temperature isn't soaring and the sunshine is accompanied with cool breeze. Watching down to the growing trees and ferns swinging with the blowing wind. All this reminds me the school campus, big playing field, basketball courts, eucalyptus trees towering right inside the campus wall like tall insurmountable guardians of the campus interiors. Behind the playing field were the teacher's residences with a beautiful vista of ashok trees just in front of the residences' walkway.

Today, the weather, the breeze, the nothing to worry feel took me subconsciously into the peaceful, unrestricted, free of worldly affairs and careless childhood days. The days when we studied the basics of science and other things never knowing these will become things of prestige and public image when we will open our mouths to debrief somebody on our opinions based on all this knowledge. For an instance, with my little knowledge of physics I can explain to somebody that when we see the setting sun on the horizon, in fact it has gone below the horizon already and we are not watching the sun directly. It is the refraction through the layers of the atmosphere that we are still looking at it but, in reality the sun has already gone out of direct sight.  The light are bent towards us due to the viscosity of the atmosphere, which in terms of physics we say the refractive index of a medium. Then I can argue on the fact that if our atmosphere offered total internal reflection there won't be night anywhere on this planet altogether. Feeling and applying the little things we glean throughout our life really makes us acquainted with our surroundings so well. Isn't ?

Then a streak of orange tail moving forward appeared in the purple-orange evening sky, it was a jet airliner cruising at tremendous speed towards its destination. That sight pulled me from the physics I was pondering over a moment ago and made me a little philosophical with the thought process. How much focussed is the jet airliner's accent toward its destination. How much straight it is moving, not at all affected by the world below, not affected by the people and their opinions about it. It is just making its journey and is only concerned about getting to the place safely with all the passengers on-board. Can't we behave like a jet airliner ? Why we become so much distracted and disoriented with the things around us and change our course of accent into the future every now and then ? Well, it is another big debatable thing, taking into account a lot more things than just reasoning and purpose of behavior.

A little rhyme for each of us for what we do in our lives day in and day out::

I play by rules, I break the rules
I know new things everyday, I become ignorant everyday
I gain respect, I give respect
I feel the pain, I heal the pain
I stalk my inspiration, I talk it as my motivation
I make new friends, most of them come as fake friends
I listen to the elderly, it helps me see clearly
I watch old plans, I hatch new plans
I observe nature, I observe its creatures

P.S. ::- I will graduate the college of life the day I will die. Till then it is all learning, clearing life's examinations, failing life's examinations, cheating at life's examinations and rejoicing at the campus called world.

Me and A thought

With all my enthusiasm, the previous night I was all set to play my new guitar and produce some sounds that appear to me like sweet melody and to my flat-mates these sounds are like what the hell is he doing with the guitar. I am learning it slowly and steadily, it will take time but, as with all other things that I do “Dil Se”, I will near the perfection at this one too. The duties in office are going on smoothly and I am doing well. If you have had read a blog entry named “END” by me. There I have mentioned, the End feasts on the victim and gratifies itself but there are exceptional victims too who know how to stand up and walk again. I find myself among the same kind sometimes and it makes me feel proud.

It is just I never reveal myself fully to people whom I do not find deserving enough. Honestly I have a gift of making myself indifferent till the limit of ruthlessness. I have the ability to make myself detached in just one passing minute. Yes, of-course before such moment comes, I drill myself to extremes with every possible way of reasoning and make my decisions correct for me and for the ones directly affected with it. But, this ruthlessness doesn’t comes easily, believe me it is really tough to be ruthless. Also, with somethings this ruthlessness cannot creep in at all.

Also, I am bestowed on with a lot of problems by so called GOD that this also makes me feel lucky. I have experienced things which others haven’t yet and do not have any idea about those experiences. Sometimes it is difficult to strike a balance between the tussle mind and heart begin with. At times either of them is victorious but, I know logic is supreme any day and “Dil to baccha hai ji, thoda kaccha hai ji”. Ha ha ha the previous phrase is a song actually from the upcoming movie “Ishqiya”. The lyrics of the song are simply awesome by Gulzar. Deep thoughts song. Enough about me now. I will come to write down the thought that provoked me to post yet another entry into my little private space on web. 

I guess many of us must have seen the bacteria under the microscope. How they look like ? A big mass of vibrating bodies, moving in random motions, reproducing, growing and dying. Do we care what is happening amongst them ? Are we slightly bothered about the sentiments or emotions one bacterium holds for the other one in that culture of thousands of alike living beings ? If anyone of them tries to communicate with us, are we able to hear and understand them ? Is there any one of them who is saying, save me I am sick I am dying ? Is there any one of them thanking us to let them grow as yeast or as common fungi ? Is there anyone of these bacteria who is waiting to kill us with its lethal attributes once it gets an entry into our body ? Can we anyhow find these answers ? OR do we really want to find all those answers ? NO, we are just interested in studying them, nothing personal goes on in our mind for that culture we look under the microscope. How devoid we become when it comes to care for these little creatures. It happens always when anything in abundance is looked at from a great height above them.

Don’t you people feel, if GOD is present, he must be at similar greater height and when he watches us, we appear nothing more than a culture, a rapidly vibrating mass. Now for all the above questions just replace human beings with bacteria and yourself as GOD watching at them from a great height above. How it feels ? Do you feel concerned about the sentiments, emotions, desire, ambition, state of being, medical wellness, nature of action ? NO it is just a culture, rapidly vibrating doing something. A sight of this kind, raises curiosity more than a will to listen of each one of them and solve their problems and write scripts for their lives which we call destiny.

Dear reader, these are my thoughts and I know they are very correct. People, I request all of those who read this, please do not, waste your time waiting for some GOD to come and solve your problems for you. And if GOD is there, he has countless planets/stars/celestial bodies to look after and it is not that only on Earth life exists. GOD simply cannot find enough time to get into personal lives of bacteria like beings(us) for him. Put yourself in GOD’s shoes for once and try to strike out a plan to take care of everything in this universe. And who knows there is only one universe, there might be a number of different universes and our is just one of them and just imagine our earth is just another planet in our own universe, nothing so special. Not even a spec of dust when compared to the tremendous dimensions of measurements employed against the universe. Go ahead and start finding a solution to your problems yourself. Out there, it is just empty space and your fruitless hope about anything divine looking and listening and taking care of you. Nothing divine is out there. Learn to live by logic because “Dil to Baccha hai ji, thoda kaccha hai ji”.

2010 Begins

The 2009 year end started with a really busy schedule. I went for movie 3-Idiots on 30^th.Dec.’09 right after the office with friends. Then after the movie I got to know that they have already bought a ticket for me to go to Essel world on the New Year eve(31^st.Dec.’09) party. I was on leave for 31^st.Dec’09, so as usual I was up till 5 a.m. in the morning. Woke up around 2:00 p.m. and called Nena(my very good friend) to ask where we all have to meet to go to Essel world. She first, tried to pull my legs ad said that she is already leaving for Essel world and I am very late now. I, to some extent bought that. But, then it was decided that we will be leaving in the evening around 7:00 p.m. Nena’s best friend Srijit was supposed to meet us at Gorai beech, from where we had to take a ferry and go to Essel world.

We had a long journey and finally reached the venue at 10:30 p.m. The environment was very electrifying, the people were making noise all around and the with each passing minute the surroundings were growing more and more energetic. We started our last night of 2009, at Essel world, by taking some rides first and then we went towards some spots where people were enjoying music played by DJs and were dancing. Some were drunk to the brim of their controlling senses.

We enjoyed the paty whole nigh and by the time we set foot to turn back and go to our sweet beds, it was already 5:00 a.m. in the morning. I got back into my room at exactly 7:00 a.m. and was dead sleeping at 7:15 a.m. with my cell phone switched off. Woke up at 3:00 p.m. went out in the evening, just for a walk till IIT. Again the next day(2^nd.Jan’10) was fun filled, it was birthday of a friend so we went to Siddhi vinayak and then had dinner together. Again the next day(3^rd.Dec’10) was fun, I went out with couple of my friends and bought a guitar. Have decided to plunge into the music world, want to keep myself as busy as possible with career, music, friends, and my own self.

2010 has started on a brighter note, this time I can really say I have shut done the previous year(2009) with everything taken care of that has to be dealt in the same year. This time I have stepped into the new year with all things afresh and waiting to done, explored, planned for and what not. Want to jot down few of my favorite quotes in the end.

• No one is rich enough to his/her own past. So, never waste time and make your decisions very carefully.
• Smoke your life but don’t burn it.
• Nobody can build a reputation on what he/she is going to do. Do and then talk.
• If GOD exists, he doesn’t have all day to look after you, take care of yourself and only for the things out of your control attribute to GOD.
• Be careful with whose advice you buy but, be patient with those who supply.
• Don’t be impatient and jealous, sometimes you are ahead, sometimes you are behind, the race is long.
• Friends come and go but, hold on to the ones precious to you.

Up To Par …

It was a long day. I went out with one of my very good friend, she had to buy a gift for one of our common friend as his birthday is in January. We wandered in the market for hours looking for a cell phone, a best deal within our range. Finally after 4 hours of hard work and analyzing the options available we got one very nice deal within our range. The most funny part was we kept on asking about the ratings and user acceptance of various cell phones, over the internet from the same person for whom we were buying the gift and he didn’t had any clue what we were doing.

I came back home around 9:30, the next day was a working day after 4 days of vacation. The feeling was awful to wake up again early in the morning. My flat mate Vishal came to my room, we had a discussion about different things and then it occurred to me spontaneously as things often come to me like an impulse. So, I asked him questions about some assumptions that I have made about myself and I had a complex for those things and felt un-comfortable. Talking to Vishal was really helpful, he broke my myth in his easy language and simple words. I felt really great after listening how wrong I was thinking about me. And I am not at all as bad at things and with some other things as I thought I am. Vishal helped me with some more things and gave me a new outlook in just a matter of few minutes. I always believe things are maximum effective when you hear or read the right words at the right time from the right person.

I know very well 80% of the people around me like me and I do like them in return but, it was just this one thing that I kept myself aloof of them and this created distance. But now, thanks to Vishal he has given me the initial spark and helped me break the circle almost by 70%, rest 30% is up to me whether I really want to get out of it I want to stick to it as always and take melancholy as the friend forever(One of my earlier post on this blog).

I called a friend who has recently gone to another place for a new job at hand. I logged on to internet. Her day was kind of okay with laughing instances with Rocket Singh. Then I logged on to internet and went to complete a dreading task I had first decided I won’t do it and then I did it anyways. It is like un-controllable for me to hold back on something and regret later that I didn’t do it. The feeling of regret makes me uncomfortable and irritable.

Well, then the outcome came and left me with a very sad disposition. I can’t control everything and I am happy at least I tried. I never back out from this one thing, I always try, it makes me courageous attempt by attempt and makes me stronger to take the consequences head on. Well, I was very much down with this thing as I seldom go trying and experimenting with this kind of subject matter. Well, again thanks to my very best friend, Ambrish dada, he came to help me out. One dialogue is a must while we talk, he says, “I am your oldest daddy” … he he he daddy is actually for buddy … and he is right and till I die he will be right. When we meet be it on internet chat, or in person, or on phone one thing remains common everywhere, the exchange of gaalis(verbal slangs and teasers). It is a sport you can only play with a friend.

Ambrish is the guy I can always look up to no matter whatever be the situation. When I was unemployed he was there for me … he got employed at IBM before I managed a job at Accenture. I was thinking to go for MBA because of recession, at that time this guy came forward and supported me with his encouraging words and even offered 5k bucks a month for me out of his hard earned salary so that I may manage the expensive forms for MBA and shouldn’t ask for money from my home. It wasn’t that I was not able to afford those application form on my own but, it is the shear feel of having a friend by my side who is really there for me when I need the most. I was really touched.

This time around, again my savior was the same person, he scolded me first with almost all possible hindi gaaliyan, then he made me comfortable with his jokes, then he explained me showed me the real picture and made me comfortable enough so that I may go to sleep as the next day was a working day, but it was already 4 a.m. in the morning and I was too much late to sleep. I had to wake up at 7:30 to get to office in time but I got late by 30 odd minutes. Ambrish man two thumbs up to you man. He knows how emotional I am but I seldom show all that. Well, at least some one knows and the best part is that he is the person who can help and he knows that. I feel unlucky for not having many friends but I feel really blessed for having one who can equal many.

So, now I am sitting in office, with puffy and reddish eyes due to lack of sleep … ha ha ha ha ha ha …, starting today’s work, head is not that heavy as the previous night. I know things will be topsy-turvy once I will sit alone but I won’t the key is to be social. This step forward by me is again attributed to my flat-mate Vishal who helped me come out of a frame of mind which paralyzed me and made me sit all the time with negligible social activity. Vishal is a great guy, he really motivated me with his simple words. I like simple things and thoughts. All complex things and thoughts don’t have the beauty of it and also if something a commoner cannot understand then it is not good, be it language, speech, words or anything.

I am not changing myself in anyway possible but I will improve upon certain areas where I restrained myself deliberately and there wasn’t any actual reason for that mode or course of action. I just want to follow the lines as always, that I have typed all over my social networking site accounts, “Still a child at the core ( not lying at all ) … Evolving and Changing Constructively every Moment … Focusing on Success and Meaning of Life…”

One girl … likes discomforts … Lolzzz … is her favorite expression

I know a girl(Identity kept anonymous), I observed. She likes discomforts not literally but she likes to have experiences, obscure ones, observing around her. She likes to do things with a tinge of raw into the methods of doing them. She avoids the obvious options and go for the twisted ones but she likes it. She, also, quite successfully, oscillates between her comfort zone and her discomfort zone. Getting uncomfortable and bouncing back out of it. She is not totally a gone case experimenting with life in weird ways. She enjoys the happenings around her, take the necessary to be done head on and tries her way out of the situations and this way she learns. She learns with experiences, the best way of learning. All what passes away is seen off with a lovely smile by this girl and she moves on, bubbling with excitement, towards new experiences waiting for her. I understand this and admire the view behind it.

But as I said this girl don’t literally wants to feel the discomfort, she does all the necessary things in proper manner but with little more efforts so that she must know the ground realities and the ways to survive in this vast, ruthless world. So, that she can sustain with lesser means. And this is a very good point of view to make oneself ready to meet the discomfort face to face when it actually broods over. Hope she develops this thing more and more because life is never a red carpet to roll on. In the end it will be she who could bear odds with easy at any point of time unless the odds are too much to take on her own. I want to recommend this girl to watch the movie, “Little Miss Sunshine”. A very good flick about a little young girl who is confident and wants to participate in a competition and she is backed by the family all the way.

She, as appears, is a down to earth being, doesn’t creates much fuzz about her achievements and doings. The same principle I follow in different words, “Never congratulate yourself on whatever you do, there are always new grounds to be covered”. She enjoys the nature around and the people. The beauty of natural things and also the artifacts. She observes people around and their behaviors and reactions in different situations. She let people do their things and she does her own. Another good thing for peaceful living but, I find it little opposite with me, I react strongly when things are not being done in proper way. If the situation is beyond my control then I switch to the mode “Let it be”.

Now, I kind of lack going for the discomfort factor because without my asking of discomforts I have had enough of them and I have experienced a lot with life till now. I have met people and felt situations mostly bad, so now I don’t want more of it in my life. Now, all I want is to be comfortable and keep my immediate family comfortable, my existing family as well as my would be family. But, yes this also very true, I got an idea out of this girl to make my would be family taste discomforts deliberately so that they make remain aware of the ground realities and do not flinch when discomfort really hammers them someday coming out of nowhere. Doesn’t mean I’ll deprive them of anything but yes, I will make them do certain things the hard way only.

I have my own theory for this comfort/discomfort thing. When a child is born he/she is aware of nothing around him/her. He/she doesn’t know about his/her body, the limbs, ears, eyes, nose nothing at all. He/she cannot define what is happening or he/she is experiencing when looking around. He/she don’t have the sense of importance of food for living. He/she cannot understand anything but at this elementary/very raw stage of his physical abilities a child does have the sense of comfort and discomfort.

A child cries when he/she feels discomfort say it be the hunger, be it pain, be it fear, be it anything. Every feeling that makes him/her cry is only discomfort caused to him/her. He/she cannot categorize this feeling into fear, hunger, pain or anything else. Its just the discomfort. So, when a child, just one day old in this world can understand discomfort and react to it then this must be the most elementary thing in nature and the child chooses the comfort. So, why opt for discomfort anyways.

Mirza Asadullah Baig Khan, Pen-name Ghalib … King of Urdu Poetry

When ever I listen to the lines by Mirza Asadullah Baig Khan, pen-name Ghalib(December 27, 1797 – February 15, 1869), sung beautifully by the Indian Ghazal world’s most capable and listened soloist Jagit singh, I find myself in total awe, as if struck by lightening, completely unprepared to accept that thoughts could so elegantly described and expressed through words. Here I feel the power of thoughts is mightier than the power of words. Words are not enough to express the thought process this legendary personality had running in his once in an eon born brain. I am here by scribbling few lines with meaning as I undersatand them.

Unke dekhe se jo aa jati hain yun muh par Raunak,

Wo samajhate hain ki beemaar ka haal achcha hai

This is Ghalib at his best.

If I smile looking at you you feel that I am alright, even if I am feeling pain at the core of my heart.

It shows that sometimes people require something more than a sympathizing gesture

***

Hui muddat ki Ghalib marr gaya par yaad aata hai,

Wo har ek baat pe Kehna, ki yun hota to kya hota

When I will die people will remember me (as an insane) who used to say that what would have happened if this had happened….

***

Mat pooch ke kya haal hai mera tere peeche

Tu dekh ke kya rang hai tera mere aage

Ask not what my condition is after you

See what’s your colour before me.

***

Dil hi to hai na Snag-o-khist, dard se bhar na aae kyun?

A heart after all is not stone, why must not it brim with pain … ?

***

Kahun kis se mai ke kya hai, shab-e-ghum buri bala hai

Mujhe kya bura tha marna agar ek baar hota

Whom shall I confide in the pains of a night of sorrow,

Death wouldn’t have bothered me had it just been once.

***

Hazaron khawaishein aisi ki har khawish pe dum nikale

Boht nikale mere armaan lekin phir bhi kam nikale

Mohabbat me nahi hai farq jeene aur marne kaa,

Usi ko dekh kar jeete hain, jis kaafir pe dum nikale

Nikalna khuld se adam ka sunte aae hain lekin

Bahut be aabru  ho kar, tere kuche se hum nikle

I have plethora of desire, and each desire is such as ‘to die for’’.

Desires are never ending. Even if most of them get fulfilled, we still feel unsatisfied.

Life and death in love, both are related to the beloved.

Life is the pleasure of being with the beloved and death refers to the pain of separation.

The company of the same person gives life whose betrayal gives death, so there is not much difference between life and death in love.

I had heard the expulsion of adam from paradise

But greater seemed the dishonour at my exile from your home.

***

“Hamko unse wafa ki hai umeed
Jo nahi jaante wafa kya hai

Hoping love, care and concern from someone who doesn’t even gives a damn what these words even mean actually.

***

Liye jati hai kahin ek tawaqa Ghalib

Jada rah kashish kafe karm hai hum ko

A hope pulls you along, Ghalib

Perhaps this path is the beginning of some benevolence.

***

Ah ko chahiye ik umar asar hone tak

Kaun jita hai teri zulf ke sar hone tak

A life-time for a wish to come true

But who lives till the graying of our hair.

***

Bak raha hun junoon mein jane kya kya kuch

Kuch na samjhe khuda kare koi

What all have U said in this feverish craziness

May GOD will it to be incomprehensible.

***

Ro’aiey zar zar kyaa? Kiji-e haaye haaye kyun?

Why must the heart cry for it, why must a fuss be made about it.

***

Behter tho hai yahi ken a dunya se dill age

Par kya Karen jo kaam na be-dil-lagi chale

It’s better that I do not get enchanted by this world

But I can’t get around without being enchanted.

***

Hai kuch aesi hi baat jo chup hoon

Warna kya baat kar nahin aati.

There must be something that quietens me

Other wise I do have things to say.

***

Hum wahan hain jahan se hum ko bhi

Kuchh humari khabar nahi aati

I am there from where I too do not know what befalls me.

***

Koi mere dil se pooche tere teer-e-neem kash ko

Ye khalish kahan se hoti jo jigar ke paar hota

Ask not my heart about your half-hearted shot,

It would not have ached so mush if it had traversed through

***

Dekhiye pate hain kya faiz buton se ushaq,

Ik berhamin ne kaha hai ke ye saal achha hai.

Let’s see what benefits do I get from idols of love

For a Brahmin has predicted that this year has good things in store.

***

woh firaaq aur woh wisaal kahaaN ?
woh shab-o-roz-o-maah-o-saal kahaaN ?

Long gone is the pain of  separation and meeting

There are not even such a night, day, month or year left.

Clock

Tick Ticky Tac

6 o’clock the notion of dawn, sing the good morning song

Nurturing night is gone, come on break the yawn

Half sleepy, looking like a faun, wake up gorgeous swan

***

Tick Ticky Tac

12 o’clock the day half past, every face with a discreet cast

All are strengthening the mast, setting in the sails for a journey so fast

Working through the day as it is the last, anticipations growing vast

***

Tick Ticky Tac

6 o’clock the sun goes behind the mound, gentle cool breeze tendering the town

Women in beautiful gown, laughing and walking around

Trepidation for tomorrow going down, lovely is the word for every noun

***

Tick Ticky Tac

12 o’clock the night has set in, took away all day’s din

Time to rest the fin, talking about the day amongst the kin

Requesting GOD to forgive the day’s sin, the next day will bring the win

All Is Well.

Today’s(24th,Dec.’09) evening was the most awaited  evening for every one in my office and for me too. I  wrapped up the work by afternoon and then I  just  took care of tit-bits and passed the time for the clock  to hit 6:15 p.m. mark, when I will proceed to shut down my  workstation.

I booked a ticket for the new release “3-Idiots”. In the  evening, I got off the bus and plodded towards the flat  I dwell these days in Mumbai and thought, “hadn’t  it been better if I would have booked the ticket rather  for tomorrow” ? I was tired and needed a good night’s  sleep. The idea to book the seat hatched in my mind  at a jolly hour of the day when I wrapped up some  important work before time. Now, I had to honor the  money invested and be pliant enough to stretch  myself for few more hours. I had to jostle my way to  into the lounge which was packed with people for the  same show. In the end the experience I had, left me  placid with good optimism towards life and more because I related myself with the movie very easily.

I was alone like most of the times, solemnly following the disciplined time management that I stick to with my routine. It feels good to be sharp on mark without depending on others to come and share the leisure time. I believe, I have my own share of space and time in this universe and I don’t need anyone to come in and join me when I want to have fun and experience tranquility. But, of-course, if I feel someone worthy enough of sharing my time and space then, I do long for such company and am always ready to walk an extra mile to be with that person. But, not getting a company never lets creep in a feeling of remorse in me. Well, getting back to the movie.

I watched the movie in total awe, a wonderful and awesome message giving movie and this time, yes, I can say without even a slightest squirm that whatever I plan, set goals and think, I heard and saw that during the entire movie and it made me feel really good. A little life philosophy for which people often criticize me and say me that I go out of the way and do not come with the masses and I have my own ways of doing things. Yes, I accept it very much now, with all confirmation I saw while those three hours.

The movie in all it’s terrific pace, script, mood and conclusion made some silent statements in the end which we can say is a message for all of us and not only for the people who are in their student’s phase of life. The messages I felt are ::

1.) Never run for the WORKAROUNDS and SMART working, which are the buzz words around these days. Learn the basics very well of anything you do, and get into the depths, doesn’t matter if you do it slowly. Doing it slowly shows you are learning throughly because you are going into tiny details and cross questioning with yourself while you learn.

2.) Go by your instincts(for everything in life), follow the Nike punch line, “Just Do It !!” or even better let us say it the Richard Brenson’s way, “Screw It ! Lets Do It !!. Always take the initiative if you feel you are ready for it and you can bear the succeeding of it.

3.) Be courageous enough to express yourself, it is a hard fact that 7 out of 10 times we do not express ourselves or take decisions at the right time and later we regret with the big word “IF”. If I would have done so, then things would have been better. If would have done so, then who knows things could have swayed in my favor. If I would have done so, then at least I would had a clearer idea of the things going on, etc, the list is long.

4.) Never learn something just for the sake of doing it, in order to utilize the knowledge for a short period of time. Always learn and study for the sake of knowledge and not for just the sake of doing it.

5.) Every good or creative or innovative thing/thought/method has to pass through three stages :- Ridicule, Opposition and Acceptance. To get to the last stage needs endeavor with endurance. Never listen to what people say while passing through the first and second stage otherwise they will definitely manipulate you very notoriously.

6.) Always keep things simple and straight and crystal clear, be it anything in life. Understand the basic fact that people can comprehend you better if you speak in a simple and clear language. Never play the clue and hints game, it makes things harder and sometimes casts an altogether different shadow of the perspective you want to put forward. Complex things/behavior/thoughts/perceptions take away the beauty of simplicity. Be frank, expressive and true with whatever you say to others around you. Fabricating  the thoughts just murders the innovation.

Okay, dear audience, thank you so much for reading this post, I  want to write more but it is 3:30 a.m. in the morning and I am now,  tired like just out of hell after such a long day. Catch you with more  posts soon, I have a long weekend to thing and scrawl.

Thank you again.