A Link Broken ... A Point Of No Retrun.

Today night, 27th.Jan.'2010, technically yesterday evening as it is past midnight now, in the evening, around 8:00 p.m. my maternal Grandmother, passed away. A link to my past gnawed away by time today evening. 

It was regular routine. I came from office, washed my face, called my mother as I do everyday, she was not at home. She was travelling in the chilled peaking winter of North India at this time of the year. I asked her "why she was out ?" in that chilling windy evening and she said she will talk to me when she will get back home. I have a strong intuition and I sensed some worry out of her voice. I called again just after one minute and asked her, "Is there any trouble ?" She again said she will talk to me when she will get back home. After that I resumed with the daily routine, checking my personal e-mail accounts and telling the maid what to cook for the dinner. Approximately one and a hour half later my mother called me again and she was crying, and said to me, "Maiyaan passed away". I was shocked and didn't had any words to say at that very moment. I couldn't make out whether my shock was greater or her need for some consoling words was greater. I am in Mumbai and cannot leave for Varanasi as most of the North India bound flights are getting delayed or cancelled owing to the heavy fog conditions there. The trains are running around 10 hrs late of scheduled time and in normal course it takes more than 24 hrs to get to my hometown from Mumbai by train, in such winter conditions it might take more. More over my mother and few elderly family persons whom I listen to, have told me not to come as there is little for me to do being the maternal grandson. So, I am writing down few recursive thoughts that have crossed my mind since I got the news.

 I remember, my mother told me that when was an infant and had just learned to speak few words, I somehow started calling my Nani(Grandmother) "Maiyaan" and I used to call my mother "Tkkaa". Maiyaan, in Hindi language is a synonym for mother. What Tkkaa means or signifies, nobody yet knows including myself. Anybody hardly figured out how and why I started with these words but then soon after Tkkaa changed to mommy as I grew up but "Maiyaan" never changed to Nani. May be it wasn't just a word, it was a connection. And today that connection broke up, gave away. Now, this connection only lives in my memories and not in this physical world. It might have took just one moment and a tangible link became so irreversibly abstract.

On, 14th Jan, Makarsankranti festival, whole of the Varanasi city enjoys fying kites and I was just mad at flying kites in those days, my childhood days. That day, I used to be on the roof of my house the whole day and I used to depute others in various kite flying activities. The role for Maiyaan was to catch the kites which came floating down. It was a pretty big roof, roughly 50 x 50 feet, for running instantly from one end to another and if she missed one I used to be so angry for why didn't she got that one for me ! It was such a big beautiful kite she had to catch it for me doesn't matter how she managed. That was I with my grandmother at the age of 10 or may be somewhere between the age of 10 or 15 years. Now, I felt the jolt, the growing emotional surge. Until now I was thinking about how to console and strengthen my mother for her loss, but these memories started flashing unchecked and my male psychological strength surrendered and a couple of tears rolled down. It were the memories, flashing one by one, till the most recent one flashed when I was last with Maiyaan in my hometown, Benaras. I was home on a vacation off the office life and Maiyaan, still recollected that I am studying in college and have come on college vacations, although two years had passed since I graduated out of the college. The older memories were intact, she missed on the recent ones.

There are so many memories, all of them cannot be jotted down here. In her old age, I was mostly away from home, first graduating from an engineering college in Ghaziabad and then working at a company in Mumbai. Maiyaan, few years back suffered with internal hemorrhage, a blood vessel in the head was damaged as I remember. Because of this she developed a problem of memory loss. Her old memories were strongly intact but her conscious brain's memories didn't lasted more than couple of minutes. She kept forgeting names, if someone came to see her or not the last day or today or came at all and things like that. A little later Maiyaan broke her bone around the pelvic girdle and doctor suggested an operation to fit in a rod to support the spine. It required a long recovery but because she kept on forget things, Maiyaan often tended to try and walk around a bit and that caused the recovery tentative and particularly long.
Now, she rests in peace, I know it is a big loss for my mother because she was my mother's mother. I lost my Maiyaan. Nobody will ever understand or even remotely be able to feel the connection, the bond, the sweet and sour memories we all shared with her. Life will move on. The present moment is very difficult, particularly for my mother. At this moment I remember a line from a sonnet composed by my Great Grand Father(My Grand mother's(Maiyaan) father), the line says, "Even this will pass away". Yes, even this will pass away. He worked as a British government employee in India, as a Collector, a big shot in those days and continued well after India achieved independence. A very calm and composed person as I remember him very dearly in my me memories.

My Great grand father, whom I called Papa sahab as he used to call me Appu sahab. Everyone in the family called him Papa irrespective of the nature of relation with him actually. Papa sahab was very fond of english literature and I hardly remember a time when I asked him anything related to English literature and he wasn't able to answer. I guess, it is that company of a learned man that today I too find interest in Literature. I am able to write a few sensible and meaningful extracts in my blog, read good chosen books and trying to learn more and more with different sorts of things that are out there to be learned and known. And my Great grand mother, whom the whole family used to call "Amma" and no body dared to disobey her in the family. Amma was very sweet and yet very disciplined and strict. They were the pillars of all the strength I have inside me. I had the honor of being with them for almost throughout my teenage.

I have seen their deaths, they were really very very ... dear to me, just next to my mother in all respects. I had to experience that acute pain of loosing an integral part of my life earlier when I lost Amma and Papa sahab. That is why this time I am stronger, I am writing this extract out of my memories and may be this time I will support my mother out of this difficult time rather being dragged into it myself. In the end very true, "Even this will pass away". 


But, one thing is for sure, even if I couldn't accompany my Grand Mother in her last moments, I know she will be proud of me being able to compete and find my place with respect in this barbaric world. She will definitely be satisfied because being a dear child in the family I have done what was expected of me. Further, to honor the efforts of all my elders that they have out in with me and for me, I will keep on doing things on a better note from here on. I will try my level best never let my dear ones to see down because of me failing to do anything that is expected out of me. No matter how much far away I be from them I will definitely make them proud.

I have always felt very strongly, our elders are always out there, suggesting us the right way with their life long experiences and we just don't listen and attribute our arguments to a fancy term called "Generation Gap". I believe simply and blindly walk the way shown by elders when things really get out of our controls. We loose our elders to death and with them we loose enormous amounts of practical knowledge which we call experience and which our elders are always ready to impart to us, but we are the new generation with the generation gap ... HUH ... and part of our generation gap theory teaches us not at all to listen to what the old fellows in our families have to tell us from their life long gleaned moments dealing with how to make right or wrong choices or decisions. A very important thing for each of us.